if ever You come near, i'll hold up high a mirror. Lord, I could never show You anything more beautiful than You.

I keep trying to put together enough thoughts to write a coherent blog about what is going on in my life as of late.

the best i can come up with is to write about how im "aimless in wonder".

sometimes i cant describe what i mean correctly, but here is my attempt.

what im going through is not uncommon; im aware of this. but it's hard to discribe.

of one thing i am sure, choosing to move to nashville was the correct choice. another thing i am sure of is that i am discontent no matter where i am. the first step to this changing is realizing it's a reality, i think. i know that i am always discontent; always wondering what it would have been like had i chosen to do something else right now; had i chosen to stay in southern california; had i not been in this period of pushing through the desert.

my friend layne likened this kind of experience as being in the desert. knowing you are, and that it's necessary, but unsure how to deal with it; how to just go through it. i dont want to be fake. but i dont want to be depressing either. i just want to be real. real with God. real with myself. and real with anyone i come in contact with. no more surfacey conversations. just reality. however much it feels awkward, or hurts.

i dont believe that i know suffering. i believe i know people who have known suffering. i believe that my own selfishness tries to convince me im suffering. but i believe it's a lie.

a few things i know are as follows:

God is constant and in control.
He says, "take heart for I have overcome the world"
He says, "dont be afraid, only believe"
His Word says, "Look to the Lord and His strength. Seek His face always. Remember His miracles and the works of His hands.."
His Word says that He has "broken down the middle wall of separation"
His Word says that, in my weakness, He is strong.
His Word says to draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

He has invited us into His story. He is living and active, and has given us the chance to live. there is freedom in the power of His resurrection, and in the promise of His Son. "He has begotten us to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead to an inheritence incorruptable and undefiled and that does not fade away" (1 peter 1).

a living hope.

I dont know where i am going, or what is happening. I dont why i feel discontent or why i am not sure if i have ever been content. i dont know how to just be content. i dont know how to really believe that He has broken down the middle wall of separation when i feel like it is still up. but i know that it's true that He has. that He is and that He is good.

i want to believe. and not fear. to be real. to be geniune. to find contentment in the freedom that is Christ. i want to look to the Lord and His strength. i want to mean it, and i want to feel it. so that i can get past me, and move to Him. so that it can be no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me.

this is a process. im in the midst of it. i dont have the answers. but because it's a process, i sometimes dont know what to say or how to act, or how to ask for help or prayer. but i know God is good. He is present. He created us for a purpose. and He is at work.

this feels like letting go. and im letting go. maybe the pressure will leave once i really mean that statement.

this is a new adventure. it began this morning. and it will go on for a while as i continue to seek after God. without reservation. and without fear.