if ever You come near, i'll hold up high a mirror. Lord, I could never show You anything more beautiful than You.

I keep trying to put together enough thoughts to write a coherent blog about what is going on in my life as of late.

the best i can come up with is to write about how im "aimless in wonder".

sometimes i cant describe what i mean correctly, but here is my attempt.

what im going through is not uncommon; im aware of this. but it's hard to discribe.

of one thing i am sure, choosing to move to nashville was the correct choice. another thing i am sure of is that i am discontent no matter where i am. the first step to this changing is realizing it's a reality, i think. i know that i am always discontent; always wondering what it would have been like had i chosen to do something else right now; had i chosen to stay in southern california; had i not been in this period of pushing through the desert.

my friend layne likened this kind of experience as being in the desert. knowing you are, and that it's necessary, but unsure how to deal with it; how to just go through it. i dont want to be fake. but i dont want to be depressing either. i just want to be real. real with God. real with myself. and real with anyone i come in contact with. no more surfacey conversations. just reality. however much it feels awkward, or hurts.

i dont believe that i know suffering. i believe i know people who have known suffering. i believe that my own selfishness tries to convince me im suffering. but i believe it's a lie.

a few things i know are as follows:

God is constant and in control.
He says, "take heart for I have overcome the world"
He says, "dont be afraid, only believe"
His Word says, "Look to the Lord and His strength. Seek His face always. Remember His miracles and the works of His hands.."
His Word says that He has "broken down the middle wall of separation"
His Word says that, in my weakness, He is strong.
His Word says to draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

He has invited us into His story. He is living and active, and has given us the chance to live. there is freedom in the power of His resurrection, and in the promise of His Son. "He has begotten us to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead to an inheritence incorruptable and undefiled and that does not fade away" (1 peter 1).

a living hope.

I dont know where i am going, or what is happening. I dont why i feel discontent or why i am not sure if i have ever been content. i dont know how to just be content. i dont know how to really believe that He has broken down the middle wall of separation when i feel like it is still up. but i know that it's true that He has. that He is and that He is good.

i want to believe. and not fear. to be real. to be geniune. to find contentment in the freedom that is Christ. i want to look to the Lord and His strength. i want to mean it, and i want to feel it. so that i can get past me, and move to Him. so that it can be no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me.

this is a process. im in the midst of it. i dont have the answers. but because it's a process, i sometimes dont know what to say or how to act, or how to ask for help or prayer. but i know God is good. He is present. He created us for a purpose. and He is at work.

this feels like letting go. and im letting go. maybe the pressure will leave once i really mean that statement.

this is a new adventure. it began this morning. and it will go on for a while as i continue to seek after God. without reservation. and without fear.

dear riverside, please exist in nashville.

today is a new day. a good day. filled with the joys i feel i had lost for a while. God. He is big, and good, and real. He is in control, and faithful. it is so exciting to have days of realization that His plan is in action, and anything can happen. 

im at a point in life where i feel like im just letting go. im seeing that each day is it's own adventure. that this world is small. everyone is connected by a common thread. and things that have always been a passion of mine are coming together, but i still dont know what is going to happen. it's liberating. i feel as if i am really living in the freedom of Christ that the Bible talks about in Galatians. 

people ask me questions like, where are you headed? what's next after nashville? i find myself babbling about different vague ideas, and realize that i have no answers. i find comfort and much excitement in that reality. i have decided i love not knowing. and i love walking in that uncertainty and embracing it every day. it means i can go anywhere with anyone at anytime. and i love it.

a few realizations that i also came to recently are that i think i have add. which explains my difficulty being intentional. and my difficulty focusing on even things i think are interesting. and i have also realized that i have God given gifts and a purpose in my life. i feel like i know what it is even. but it's also vague. interesting. 

so with all this, starting on this new day, this adventure, i am wishing that riverside could move to nashville, and that we could all live together in a community that walks with one another in love. that provides for those who have need. and that enjoys life in Christ with one another. 

not so much to ask. is it? 

well since i guess riverside cant really exist in nashville, i choose to continue to make it a reality wherever i am. the "gang" as we so often called it will always be my family, just as ride:well, hope, and friends i have made since i have been in nashville will always be my family. God has something in store for each of us. we know each other for a reason. we are alive today for a reason, in this place, in this moment, with these people. what an adventurous journey this life is! 

today i embrace adventure head on. and i ask for this peace to last. 

all my exes live in texas...

that's why i reside in tennessee....

it's not really true. none of my exes live in texas. but i am in texas. well on my way to nashville, tn. hannah and i left friday morning at 8:30am from Cal Baptist in Riverside, ca. i was shaky because of nervousness, and uncertainty, but i drove almost 6 hours before i gave the reigns over to hannah. we drove all the way to las cruces, nm and stayed at a couchsurfer house at new mexico state university. it was a positive experience.

then, we got up and drove all to dallas, tx. it took us almost 12 hours with time change and all. we met up with bargo and matthew from ride:well and have had a blast hanging out with them. it's just like old times. we ate at pei wei and told stories and laughed. then we hung out at matthew's and watched youtube videos and laughed.

sunday has been our day off. we stayed at courtney and emily's house in red oak and i reminisced about the last time i was here; with my team. we went to bed late, but also woke up late and went to the oaks fellowship for church. it was awesome because paul hurchmann spoke. then we went to lunch at cici's in waxahachie with emily, ena, bargo, and courtney, and hannah tried sweet tea for the first time at chicken express. then we drove out to dallas and hang out wiht matthew more, which is what we are doing now.

it has been so great to see friends from ride:well. we are still a family no matter how long it is between visits. and i love it.

tomorrow we will embark on the last leg of our journey to my new house in nashville. it should take us 10 hours. and then i will be with hope and im excited. thursday is orientation for blood:water, i have an interview on saturday at a church, and im looking to get out to atlanta some time during the weekend to see mindy. who just called me right now.

=]